A Letter to my Depressed Self….
Hope – that much fancied word…..
I have been down and I have been out, felt suicidal and felt euphoric (though recently it’s more of the former than the latter) but more often than not I have kept telling myself that I am about to turn the corner and see the light!
Though I know that nobody’s life is a bed of roses, when you go through a prolonged bad phase, everybody’s life around you seems like a million times better than your own.
Their small miseries seem insignificant, little stumbles on their way seem easy. Your own troubles are magnified, every setback is a conspiracy and nothing seems to go your way.
Here I speak from personal experience that the last couple of years have been among the toughest of my life, yet. Professionally, I have been trashed, victimized and sent to the wilderness. Judged by incompetent, vindictive and short sighted managers, my life has been turned upside down.
The immediate fallout of that has been a rocky personal life, where bickering and nasty fights have drained the life out of my relationships.
Every time I thought things could not get any worse, it did. I started feeling like a loser, lost my confidence and self belief and seriously contemplated killing myself. But I didn’t.
Hope kept me alive, though not kicking but treading water. Hope that the tide will turn, the cycle will revolve, and some light will shine in the darkness enveloping me. I had one sliver of belief; I had not compromised my integrity, my sincerity so this cannot be my punishment for anything.
I have never harmed anybody deliberately, always helped those in need of a job as far as I could. Promoted my team ahead of me, those written off for some shortcoming, I have fought tooth and nail for them and got them their deserved prize.
That is my karma, God will not abandon me and He didn’t. However weak, He’s given me a straw to hang on to. He’s thrown me into the deep end and then thrown me a tube. I have also realized that those who have harmed me for their own professional gains, they will face their Karma. Not from me, but from their Maker.
There’s no escaping that. Osama Bin Laden didn’t, Charles Manson didn’t, and neither will they.
This is not about retribution; there is no glory in revenge. God gave me an unique opportunity, he showed me my life in a mirror. Many smooth talking ‘close’ friends vanished, stopped taking my calls or replying to my texts, but few others who were not so close stepped up and helped me as best as they could.
I survived, I did not get glorious success or great accolades, but I lived to tell the tale. I went to temples and prayed, went to astrologers and wore gem stones. I don’t know what helped, but I survived and I continue to do so.
I do not know today, what challenges lie ahead, whether fate will muddy the waters ahead of me even more. But this I know, if I maintain my values, my integrity and sincerity, God will throw me a straw again. All the evil Hitlers of the corporate world cannot kill me.
Those of you out there who have had similar experiences or are going through one, remember one thing. They didn’t make us so they can’t break us, your Karma will save you, their Karma will destroy them. They can’t take Hope away from us, we will survive. They won’t.
Keep the faith, God gave you this life, live it in hope and truth, others will have to do their own accounting. Stay blessed!